Charlie Agonisties
a short play
(curtain rises on campus leftists and a mild-mannered Christian conservative)
Campus leftists: (in unison) We, the woke, are righteous. We are the “anointed” ones that Thomas Sowell wrote about… If you’re not with us, you’re a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic fascist, and you don’t deserve to live!
Mild-mannered Christian conservative: Okay, campus leftists, we obviously disagree on numerous issues, but how about we have an exchange of ideas? Who knows, perhaps we can learn from each other.
(enter angry young gay antifa, with rifle)
Angry young gay antifa: Hey fascist, catch! (loud bang) Ha ha, I shot you! Ha, ha, you’re bleeding! Ha, ha, you’re dead! I’m a hero for killing you!
Campus leftists: HAHAHAHAHA! We got you, fascist! Thank you, shooter!
Leftists everywhere: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic fascist was killed! (ghoulish cavorting and cackling)
More leftists: Let’s kill his widow next! And his kids after that! (grotesquely inhuman hooting, hollering, oinking, and snorting)
Still more leftists: Let’s kill others who share the fascist’s evil worldview! Let’s have a bloodbath! Death to fascists everywhere! (obscene, bestial groaning and grunting)
(There is a pregnant pause, the dust clears, and various figures emerge from the ether: Legions of Non-mild mannered conservatives step onto the stage.)
Non mild-mannered conservative 1: Well, hmm. (cracks knuckles)
Non mild-mannered conservative 2: (cracks neck) It seems to me, lads, that the time for dialogue… is OVER
Entire legion of non-mild mannered conservatives 3-5,000: (in unison) Yep!
Leftists everywhere: (suddenly sober) Gulp.
(curtain falls)