A letter to today's unwanted men, part 1

The "high-value man" lie

If you are a man today, you are very likely to be unwanted by women.

I do not say this to disparage you, or to mock you, but merely to level with you.

The fact that you are likely unwanted,-- for reasons I will expand upon in a later segment of this series-- doesn't, however, make you a "loser." It doesn't mean that you aren't a worthwhile person. It says nothing about your "value" at all, in fact. This is why all of the tripe one hears about what sets "high value men" apart from the rest is so malignantly and maliciously misleading.

When certain people prattle on about so-called "high value men" these days, they are being disingenuously obfuscating. They are, that is, confusing intangible and involuntary qualities, i.e., the sort of qualities that truly attract women, with qualities that make a man "good," or "noble," or "virtuous."

I do not dispute the existence of traditional virtues, nor do I quibble in the least with those who encourage men to pursue the virtuous life with vigor and enthusiasm. I merely take issue with how certain dishonest commentators try to trick men into believing that becoming a better man will render him "high-value" in the eyes of women.

I do not say that women will not find good men admirable, or that being good precludes one from being desirable.

I do not claim, for example, that showing kindness, or compassion, or righteousness, or self-discipline, or self-control, or any other upstanding trait, will render a man unattractive to women. In fact, a man who possesses these or other good qualities is likely to be looked upon in a positive light by women.

However "seeing a man in a positive light" is in no wise equivalent to "finding a man attractive."

Therefore, declaring that men who possess such qualities are "high-value men" is dishonest, because those who use the phrase "high-value men," including not a few well-meaning "self-help influencers" and the like, invoke it in a specious manner which suggests that "high-value" and "romantically desirable" are synonymous terms.

The notion advanced by these sorts of people, "dating coaches" as they are often called, is that to attract a desirable woman, one must strive to be a "high-value" man. They tend to use "high-value," rather than "high-status" (a term which I favor in my own writings), for reasons not at all difficult to comprehend. After all, touting "high-value-hood" sounds much more laudable, not to mention more feasible, than praising "high-status-hood." A man, that is, can presumably attain value by choosing to embrace various positive personality traits, but a man cannot obtain status unless and until that status is conferred upon him.

Becoming "high-value," then, is entirely dependent upon one's own actions and behavior, while becoming "high-status" is entirely dependent upon how a man is viewed by the culture he inhabits. "Value" can be earned, but "status" again, is exclusively conferred, not earned.

The fact that women tend to be sexually/romantically drawn to men who are high-status, and conversely, tend to be relatively indifferent (from an attraction angle) to men declared to be "high-value," is a fit summary of the deceit of the rhetoric employed by dating coaches, self-help influencers, and the like.

Again, lest I be misunderstood, it is not that women hate, or dislike, men with good values, or that having good values is anathema to sexual attraction. It is more that a man having good values is a matter of supreme indifference, when it comes to a woman's sexual attraction.

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This isn't an endorsement of the "dark triad" theory, which essentially asserts that women are drawn to bad men i.e., men who display the "dark triad" traits of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism.

It is not that bad men are more attractive (though "bad boys" obviously have an allure, there the "badness" isn't really a question of evil so much an attitude of broodiness and rebellion, a la James Dean or young Elvis Presley, both of whom, it should be pointed out, were also high-status in addition to affecting broody and rebellious personae).

Rather, good men are not attractive to women on account of being good, but for other reasons, which primarily relate to status, rather than value.

(to be continued)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you find this subject to be of interest, you might enjoy my extended essays Ruminations of a Low-Status Male ,and A Final Solution to the Incel Problem.